... deployment

i don't mean to make my blog into such a sob story ((i promise i'll start being more positive and not so pity-me haha)) but deployments really break people down to the core of who they really are.

i'm learning so much about myself that i've never realized before. i'm such a control freak. i feel like i have to know what's going on at all times, when in reality you CAN'T know. it's the military, that's how it is and it's for their safety. i'm also a big time worrier. i've never worried about anything. i used to be carefree, fun, crazy.. and now i worry constantly, i prefer to be alone more than to be with my friends. it's just weird. i was never like this. i was out everyday with friends.. every single day. now my friends ask me to do something and i just don't want to because i'm afraid if i do, i'll miss a chance to talk to alex. i guess you can say my whole life is pretty much revolving around him. i've got four months down in this deployment... and GOOD thing is, these ways i've been acting have only been starting this past month of april. maybe it's just a phase?
all i know is that when alex calls me and we only talk for a few short minutes, i am the happiest girl in the world. but once he says "but babe, i gotta go now.." my heart DROPS. then he always ends the phone call by saying "i love you" i don't know how many times.. but every time he says it, my heart breaks. it's like saying goodbye to him all over again.
one day you're in his arms, kissing him and laughing, not thinking about anything but being in that moment.... and next thing you know, he's shipped off to another country and all you have is short 5 minute phone calls here and there.. scarce emails.. and lonely nights.
deployments are HARD.
but, we have to give ourselves credit. not every woman can do this.

"God picked the strong woman to fall in love with the military men" <3